I Don't Want to Let You Down

This week is crazy. Working at a switch factory (just for this week) eight hours during the day and doing cleaning at a butcher shop for two hours in the evenings. I finally understand why my mom wanted me to get an education...so I wouldn't have to do these kinds of jobs.

At the factory we assemble parts for switches and other electronic items. The job is purely repetitive motion and is the epitome of boredom. As one female co-worker put it "I get eight hours to think about life." However, let's make it clear, I'm not complaining. I'm happy with any work that I get, because this is survival. I've also had the opportunity to notice some things.

There's a lot of Vietnamese mothers at the switch factory and they remind me of my friends' moms. Just like them, my friends' mothers (and my mom as well) immigrated to a new country to find better opportunities. They're doing this kind of menial work so that their kids don't have to. They want their children to go to college, graduate, and find better jobs (sound familiar?).

To their surprise they find someone like their son, raised in a Western country* and speaks English as a first language, working under them.

A common question I get when they hear I'm from America is "What (the hell) are you doing here?"

I wonder myself (sometimes). At least I get to experience first hand the type of labor my mom and my friends' moms do and I know where they're coming from.

I can't help but feel gratitude and also a sense of shame when I realize how much my mom sacrificed. And I understand why a lot of my peers do what they do, studying hard in college and/or pursuing stable careers.

Her sacrifice gives me greater inspiration to study, to create, and (on the pragmatic side) to invest my money wisely.

I always keep in mind that this work is just a step to where I want to go.

I don't want to let you down.



*Here I take "Western" as being developed English speaking countries, in this case USA and Australia.

Notes from the Mango Farm 10 of 10

Or more accurately, Photos from Leaving the Mango Farm

Notes from the Mango Farm 9 of 10

This is the last note from my journal on the mango farm. The next post will just be photos. Hopefully I was able to successfully share with you what life on the farm was like and also give some different perspectives.

Wednesday, 10/21

Day 12

Today's the last day of the mango season, which is fine by me because my arm is freaking itchy as hell.

I like this lifestyle, it's simple, it's pure. It's a microcosm of society, except in this society, everyone's pretty cool.

But I long for the city, for internet, for fast food.

I've learned so much here, from this place I've gained confidence in being able to take care of myself and also Trish.

Tomorrow morning I'm off to the city! I'll reunite with my partner (that's the term they use here for boyfriend/girlfriend) and start making plans for the trip to Alice Springs.

Excited.

Notes from the Mango Farm 8 of 10

Tuesday, 10/20

Day 11

On the farm, you have to think about every movement: "I'm going to take a shower, I should drop off my dirty clothes in the wash on the way, also I still gotta make tomorrow's lunch, etc..." As I mentioned before, time is precious, and using time wisely helps to save some time to relax.

Here I've improved my Mandarin a lot, today I've learned a new idiom, 強龍不壓坻頭蛇 (Qiang2Long2Bu4Ya1Di4Tou2She2) from Chris, a Taiwanese guy that's been traveling Oz with his cousin. It literally means, "A strong dragon doesn't step on the local snake."

Chris was in Perth (in Western Australia, birthplace of the late Heath Ledger RIP) before coming to Darwin and he was working at a bar there. At the bar, some drunk guy said to him: "You fucking asian!" Chris just smiled and ignored him and went along his business. To Chris, he knows he's a cool guy, but here in a foreign country, he believes that it's not his place to insult the locals even if they insult him first. Chris said, "Anyways the guy was drunk, so it's probably better just to ignore him."

I'm not sure if I could've done the same. As one of my friends would say, "My pride won't let me do that."

I think it would be cooler if I got some back up and...

Notes from the Mango Farm 7 of 10

Hey guys, I've been really slacking on finishing up this "Notes from the Mango Farm" series. This past week, Trish and I have been really busy looking for a new place to live close to Adelaide city. We're finally moving into our new place today! I'm so happy, living in a hostel sucks, even on the farm, I had my own room (albeit in a old school trailer). I'm going to finish this series up soon and put up some photos of some of the travels that happened after. More soon...

Monday, 10/19

Day 10

Today, while I was snapping stems, I had this feeling of Deja Vu. Here I am in a foreign country doing farm work and it feels as if I've done this before, it feels like an echo of an old dream. In the dream, I remember that I'm sitting in a similar position, doing some form of labor, and I'm thinking about money, which is exactly what I was doing at that moment. I've heard before that deja vu is a way that life tells you that you're on the right track.

I also have an old dream that still haunts me. I had this dream in high school where a gang of guys, in a city I've never been to, beat the shit out of me. The details are fuzzy but I remember that the place is foreign. I thought that it might happen to me in college or Taiwan, but it didn't. Thought came back to me today and I decided to do some martial arts training after work.

Water shared a story about how this guy on a bus in town kept throwing trash at him. He asked us at the dinner table what we would do if it happened to us. Ignore him, ask him to stop, move away ...Water did all those things but the guy kept throwing trash at him (Water couldn't move that far away, the bus was full).

I felt angered by the story because the guy was picking on Water probably cause Water was Asian. There's similar stories of Asians getting picked on in Australia that I've heard and I myself experienced such an incident (I will share at a later post). I wanted to say, "Kick his fucking head in!" but then I thought about it. The first person to get angry is the first person that loses. Once you lose your head, someone's going to get hurt. It sucks, but we're the foreigners here so if shit goes down, we'll take the heat.

Water said that he just turned towards the guy on the bus and said very loudly and clearly "Gan ni niang!" (Fuck your mother!) The guy said, "I don't speak Chinese."

Water, "I said you were very handsome."

I thought that was funny, but that's not going to keep that fucking bloke from doing more disrespectful shit towards people.

The mango season is coming to an end soon. I keep asking the big boss' wife, Ruth, but she's still unsure of when they'll finish ("It all depends on how much fruit there is"). We'll see.

Notes from the Mango Farm 6 of 10

Hello All!

I will continue with the "Notes from the Mango Farm" but first a quick update:

I'm currently living in Adelaide, South Australia. Earlier this week, Trish and I found a job on a, guess what, a strawberry farm! Holy crap, it's so much harder than the mango farm, but the pay has the potential to be higher (they pay per kilo of strawberries, will give the details of farm pay in another post).

All right, more Mango stories:

Day 9, 10/18

Sunday

Work is now boring if anything. It's not very strenuous and we take a lot of breaks. On one such break I talked with Rick about my plans of going to New York and being an actor. What's great about meeting new people is the surprise of finding another person with an artistic outlet. He perked up and shared with me that he writes poetry and even performed a poem of his that he memorized (a very intricate piece about the choices we make in life and how it leads up to where we are now).

I thought to myself, "This guy's an interesting fella." The thing is, you would never guess by the way he looks that he writes poetry or is as intelligent as he is (He looks like a regular bloke, he said so himself [Sorry Rick, your secret is out]).

Later that night, after Rick left for home and all the workers had dinner, we were all bored and we started arm wrestling (in Mandarin: 比腕力 bi3wan3li4). The way they arm wrestle in Taiwan is that you put your wrist across the other guy's and from that position try to bring the other guy's arm down.

I beat two guys, one with each arm. It wasn't really skill, the first guy (with my right arm) gave me some trouble, but once I got him to extend his arm out from him, there was no way he could win. The second guy, a guy from Hong Kong, I just caught him off guard and I beat him to the punch. Thanks to Daniel from back home for teaching me the tricks ;)

Now that I beat those guys though, I'm afraid they might think my head's too big. I'm going to keep a low profile tomorrow.

And for no reason at all, I'll leave you with a picture of our bathroom/shower. Fancy!

Notes from the Mango Farm 5 of 10

Friday & Saturday, 10/16-10/17

Days 7 & 8

Taka, Sae (Taka's girlfriend), and my girlfriend left this morning for the city. Taka and Sae already had made plans to leave the farm and Apo was called back to the city because of a previous job.

Whenever anyone leaves, it's an excuse for Asians to do one thing...PHOTO SHOOT! Below are pictures from last night's dinner.

Today (Saturday) is the one day a week we get off, so after Apo left, I did what was natural and became a super otaku, staying in and organizing videos that I had filmed with my new camera (thanks Feng!). Quietly sitting in your own room and organizing your own videos is a rather serene, comfortable feeling.

Notes from the Mango Farm 4 of 10

Thursday, 10/15

Day 6

Today was actually fairly relaxing, I'm pretty much used to the work now and Taka and I got to work with another team this afternoon that work at a slower pace. Taka and I made sure that we were extra careful with the fruit and picking conservatively. This was because of what happened this morning:

Taka, I, and a Taiwanese guy named Water (he chose that name because a character in his name has three water characters in it) went to a section set apart from the main mango field. We were doing what we usually do, picking near-ripe mangoes from the tree (it takes five days for the fruit to hit the market, so you can't just pick "ripe" fruit) and placing them in crates when Dave came roaring up in his old Toyota SUV. Taka had the misfortune to be closest to Dave as Dave stepped out of the car.

Dave took one look at the crate Taka was filling and saw that some of the mangoes had sap oozing from them. About mango sap: mango sap oozes from the area where the stem meets the top of the mango. If that's snapped, sap oozes from that area and trickles down the fruit and on to others in the same crate which is very bad. The sap is some gnarly stuff, if it gets on your skin and you don't neutralize it with some base, your skin's going to come right off. For mangoes, you ever see areas of black crap on the skin of mangoes? That's from the sap.

Anyways, Dave gave a Taka a big talking to: "I told you a thousand times! You have to be gentle with the mangoes If you snap the stem you're going to burn the fruit! Also what is this crap that you're picking, these aren't even ripe yet..."

He then told Taka to leave the farm. Taka stood there for a moment, trying to process what was being said to him and then started to take out the unripe/sap damaged fruit. Dave was pissed, "What are you doing? Leave it! GO!"

I stood there, watching the incident like a car crash, unsure of what I was supposed to do. I was new to the farm and wasn't sure if it was my place to step in, but looking back that's an excuse. I just stood there, afraid of being yelled at too, not saying shit.

Water, however, went over and said to Dave, "Just give him a warning, you warned me before, remember? It's ok we will tell him [about the mangoes]."

Water and I stepped in close to Taka and Dave had a look at us three then said, "Ok. This is all your guys fault too your supposed to know better. I spend twelve months growing the fruit and you guys take five minutes to ruin it."

Dave went back to his car, slammed the door, and roared off.

Water turned to Taka, "You ok?"

Taka, "Ok, ok."

Water, "Don't worry. He talk to me like this before. He's like this. He's actually ok guy."

Taka, "Ok."

Me, "He's probably feeling more pressure now, maybe that's why he's more hot tempered."

Taka nodded and smiled, "No problem," and then went back to work.

I talked to Taka later in the day and he was feeling better. He even showed me a simple Judo throw (he's a black belt in Judo).

I said, "If Day-bee (are nickname for Dave) gives you a hard time you can use that one."

We laughed and moved on.

Notes from the Mango Farm 3 of 10

Monday-Wednesday 10/12-14

Days 3-5 On the Mango Farm

My body is getting used to the work. I've found ways to make the work easier and not waste so much energy. Time is so precious here, time just spent on work, taking care of lunch and dinner for tomorrow, taking a shower, washing clothes, you're only left with about 2 hours of free time after taking care of essentials.

Today (10/14) was a short day (0700-1430), and Apo and I had time to relax and watch Daria. I have all the seasons of Daria and we've been watching that pretty consistently. It's a pretty entertaining series especially if you're living on a farm (and I'm not being sarcastic).

Yesterday we did 15.5 bins of mangoes (approx 500 kilograms a bin). Its hard stuff. Rick is really cool, he's taken me on as his student, teaching me little bits here and there (taught me how to use a watch as a compass by pointing the hour hand to the sun and taking the center line betw the 12 o'clock place and the hour hand as north [north in the southern hemisphere, south in the northern hemisphere], nifty shit).

Time for bed, i'm late as it is.

Pictures!

Wall Geckos

Frog from Chrono Trigger

Sunrise or Sunset?

Notes from the Mango Farm 2 of 10

Sunday 10/11

Day 2 Mango Farm

I'm so tired. Today we spent 10 hours snapping stems, picking mangoes, pushing mangoes, eating mangoes (when the boss isn't looking). I worked with a team of 7 guys with a mango truck: 1 Australian, Rick (the manager, very casual, well traveled, humourous guy), 1 Japanese guy, Taka (very quiet, but efficient and has a sense of humor) and 4 Taiwanese guys: Peter (the senior mango picker), Tequila (former computer engineer), Ben (more quiet than Taka), Felix (former Math student from Taoyuan) and me, the only Yank.

Rick seems happy to have someone to talk to and shoot the bull with (the other guys speak English as a 2nd language and don't get the dirty jokes). He's a really knowledgeable guy and is teaching me a lot about the way the mango farm works as well as a lot about Australia.

Anyways, I got to wake up at 6am, so off to bed!

The Crew

From Left to Right (foreground): Rick, Peter, Ben, Taka

From Left to Right (background): Felix, Tequila

The Mango Machine

Crew+Machine

Apo Packing Mangoes

Me after a long day of work.

Notes from the Mango Farm 1 of 10

I will be putting up 10 posts in the upcoming days from my time on the mango farm. I spent 12 days working on the farm (which is nothing compared to some of the other guys there who've been there for 3 months).

10/10, Day 1 on the Mango Farm

[note: my girlfriend goes by either Apo or Trish]

The first week in Darwin has been really fun, but anxious as well. I spent the last week hanging out with the girlfriend, making new friends, and looking for work. I spent three days at the Kakadu National Park where I got to swim in a lagoon hidden in the forest, that was awesome.

However, anxiety kept increasing as money kept leaving my hand and the prospect of not having a job was getting to me.

I spent the past few days with Trish going to employment agencies around Darwin and calling various businesses for a position. I was on the last end of my finances when I got I call this morning.

"Did you call about the Mango Farm?"

Yes, I did. Trish and I applied for a mango farm job last week, through a friend's recommendation.

"Can you be ready by 11a?"

I was still in shock, but I said yes. Mind you, he called at 8:38am, so I had little over 2 hours to get home (I was out looking for work at fisherman's wharf at the time, but got lost), notify Apo, and pack all my belongings.

When I finally got here, it was like a little Taiwan. 15 out of the 20 workers there were Taiwanese, the other five comprised of three guys from Hong Kong and a couple from Japan. I never thought I could go to Australia and have a better chance to practice Mandarin more than I ever did in America.

The owners and the bosses of the farm are Dave and Ruth: Dave is an elderly Australian guy with a no bullshit attitude and I didn't get to meet Ruth, but the other workers say she's well traveled, friendly, and Canadian. There I also got to meet Peter the senior mango/watermelon picker (they also grow watermelons on the farm), a Taiwanese guy that purposefully speaks to me in ancient Chinese idioms to confuse/educate me.

Today was everyone's day off so Apo and I just cleaned up our room and got settled in. We sat around and go to know everyone.

At night it was so beautiful. I've never seen a night sky so wide and open. And the stars, the STARS! It's as if I can finally see them, they're so many of them and so clear.

Mango Farm

Living Quarters (ext)

Living Quarters (int)

The War

A page from "The War" By Katherine Cheng

Source: Growing Up Asian in American, 1995

Simply

photo by Huy Lam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLIVGuc1Hu4

The 1st performance at my Birthday BBQ Concert. Much thanks to Winson and Adrian for backing me up and to Huy for filming.

For Apo.

Simply
by James Y. Shih

The Band-
Guitar/Vocals: James Y. Shih
Guitar/BG Vocals: Winson Duong
Percussion: Adrian Sangalang

Cinematography-
Huy Lam

Lyrics-
It's a sunny Californian day
And I wanted to say that I miss you girl
Cuz it seems so cold
When I'm not with you
And if I could hold you,
That would make it better
I know that these times are rough
But I gotta get with you my love
Keep it simple

Simply

Simply you and me

Its almost the end of the day
And Ill reiterate that I miss you girl
Cuz when the sun sets
Thats when Im the loneliest
This bed was specially made
For you to be right next to me
As I lay down my head
I remember what a wise man said:
Keep it simple

Simply

Simply you and me

The Radio Dept. - Strange Things Will Happen

Today was a pretty day

No disappointments
No expectations on your whereabouts
And oh, did I let you go?
Did it finally show that strange things will happen if you let them?

Today I didn't even try to hide
I'll stay here and never push things to the side
You can't reach me cause I'm way beyond you today

Today was a pretty day
Autumn comes with
These slight surprises where your life might twist and turn
Hope to unlearn
Strange things will happen
If you let them come around and stick around

Today I didn't even try to hide
I'll stay here and never push things to the side

Today I didn't even look to find
Something to put me in that peace of mind
You can't touch me cause I'm way beyond you today

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw3b6sfbv6g

Happy Birthday to Me

When I was younger than I am today, I felt as if the future was vague, frightening, and infinite. It was like looking out at a great expanse of ocean from the shore at night, the possibilities seemed endless yet so overwhelming.

I could take my time with reaching my goals, they were out there floating in the waters. I would just content myself making sand castles on the shore.

---

As a child at family get togethers, relatives and family friends would remark on how cute I was and ask, "How old are you?"

Now, they remark on how tall I've become and ask, "How much do you make a year?"

---

I find myself swimming now and I can make out the other side. I didn't see it at first, but it has always been there. It's a darkness that is deeper than the holes in the sky, no matter which way I swim, it moves closer and closer.

I'm still terrified, but it is no longer a fear of the infinite it's a fear of the finite.

---

I saw my friend's son right when he was born. He was so tiny. I couldn't believe that one day he could be as big as me or bigger. I couldn't believe that one day, his grandma is going to ask him, "How much you make a year?"

I can't leave sand castles for him and my own son/daughter and all their friends. I have to leave something that can withstand the waves, something that touches the infinite in this finite time that I have.

What is it?

Royal Mutt and Panda Bear - Chapter 5: The Pack

"The Pack" title artwork posted here.

Royal Mutt sat in the passenger seat, going in and out of sleep. The landscape passed him by like a choppy movie jumping from scene to scene as he struggled to keep his eyes opened.

The time was 11:58 AM, give or take three minutes.

Panda Bear spoke, "Royal."

Royal Mutt shook his head awake.

Royal, "Yeah?"

Panda Bear, "Got any stories to tell? I'm getting kinda tired."

Royal, "You want to switch?"

Panda Bear, "Nah it's cool, we're making good time now and we just stopped so it's all good."

Royal thought silently for a long time.

________

There was a pack of dogs that grew up together in a small town. The pack was a nontraditional pack in the sense that no one was in charge. The pack would just roam the streets, picking up what scraps that they could and pass the time hanging out, chasing cats, and playing ball. They lived in an abandoned concrete lot with a rusted metal roof that protected them from the rain. They called it home.

They knew their place in this world. They knew that they loved this town and that although there might be greater things out there in the world, they were at least safe here. However, out of this unspectacular group of dogs, there were two that stood out: Wolf and Charlie.

Wolf was a strong, smart wolf-dog with a large white mane with a silver diamond tuff of hair in the center. Charlie was a tall and fierce black lab with an easy temper.

Frequently frustrated with the lack of direction with the pack, Wolf took the role of leader planning excursions out for food and trips around town.

Charlie resented Wolf, he loved the freedom of having no alpha dog, and would constantly butt heads with Wolf and try to undermine Wolf. The rest of the pack would always just watch amused, content to sit by the sidelines and not take any sides.

At one point, Wolf and Charlie had a confrontation that almost led to a dog fight. Wolf had decided that on that particular afternoon, the pack, excluding Charlie, was going to make a trip to the other side of town to get food since the trash collector had already collected all the trash in their neighborhood this morning.

Due to a recent possum attack, Charlie, the fiercest of the group, was dictated the role of guard dog until they came back. Charlie, not wanting to take orders from this self appointed leader, barked back, 'Wolf, I don't have to listen to you. I know that when you find a stuffed bin you will keep all the best scraps for yourself, leaving me with measly leftovers.'

Though this comment was probably more true for Lazy and Carl, Charlie singled out Wolf. Wolf tried to explain why Charlie was the best fit for being the guard dog, that the only other pack member as strong as Charlie was probably himself.

'Then why don't you be guard dog?,' Charlie barked back at Wolf. Wolf looked into Charlie's eyes. There was a long silence and the tension began to grow unbearable. Finally Wolf said very stoically to Charlie, 'Fine.'

Charlie turned to the pack that sat watching and as they made their way out to the street, Wolf, sitting in the center of the lot all by himself, said to Charlie and the pack, 'Goodbye.'

The pack made their way across town slowly. Charlie assumed that someone else in the pack knew the way, but everyone else thought that Charlie knew. Charlie not wanting to look bad in this new found position and definitely not wanting to turn to Wolf for help, used his sense of direction and got the pack lost many times much to the growing frustration and hunger of the pack.

When Charlie and the pack eventually got back from the other side of town, they found their home overrun with possums. Charlie's killer instinct switched on and began lunging at the possums and attacking with his jaws. He took some scratches to the face, but bit back twice as hard as the rest of the pack stood back and barked.

When everything settled down, and the possums had run away, Charlie realized that Wolf was gone and had been gone for a while. Charlie took it upon himself to search the lot for more possums as the rest of the pack chose to sleep rather than to help.

The next morning, Lazy was found dead behind the concrete lot, clawed to death by some possums that had made a nest in a corner that Charlie had overlooked. The possums were already long gone. The whole pack was in outrage and blamed Charlie for the death and for Wolf's departure. They all gathered around Charlie (yet still keeping a good distance) and unanimously agreed that Charlie was out of the pack and the only way he could return was if he returned with Wolf.

Disillusioned and with no place to go, Charlie set out to find Wolf. He made his rounds around town to the regular food stops, asking strays and other packs if they had seen or gotten a whiff of Wolf. Silver Stray, an old silver lab, had picked up a scent while passing the exit from town to the City.

Charlie following the scent traveled to the City, a metropolis that was a good day's jog away from town. Arriving there, he found himself in culture shock. The tall skyscrapers' loomed overhead as if to crash at any moment. The stunning skyline was a stark contrast to the darkness below, where he saw a dog kill another dog over a canister of pills.

He was by far one of the fiercest dogs in his town, but he found himself quivering as mangy dogs that smelled of shit and urine barked and snapped at him as he made his way out of the alleys of the City.

He eventually got to a park that was in a much nicer district, but by then it was dark and Charlie, feeling safer, made his home under a bench. Early next morning he began to ask the locals if they had seen Wolf. The dogs there however did not even give him the time of day, and passed him by or pretended to not hear him.

As he made his way to the edge of the park, he got a second whiff of Wolf and followed it to a beautiful oak tree that stood out like a sore paw.

Wolf sat under the tree looking out into the city streets. 'Wolf!' Charlie yelled out.

Wolf turned and looked surprised. 'Charlie?'

They met each other under the shade of the oak and nearly touched noses until they remembered the animosity they were supposed to feel towards each other.

'Lazy's dead. We need you back.'

Surprised, Wolf said, 'What?'

"'Lazy, he got killed by possums, it's all your fault. You were supposed to watch the home. You weren't there, you let down the pack, you got one of our own killed you son of a bitch,' Charlie barked.

Wolf sat, looking at Charlie.

'Did you come all the way here to blame me?', Wolf said.

'Yes and also to bring you back. You're going to have to face the entire pack for what you did.'

'What I did? All I did was give you what you wanted, freedom from my orders,' Wolf replied.

'But you were supposed to watch the home, that was your job! You had a responsibility and you threw it away!' There were tears in Charlie's eyes.

'I gave you that job first remember? My job was to get our pack food because I knew the way, but you were too stubborn to even recognize that fact and undoubtedly got our pack lost and hungry. It wasn't easy for me to leave, that was my home too. But I could see that living there and being the alpha, I was only going to get resentment from those dogs, you showed me that.'

'What the hell are you talking about?' replied Charlie.

'I tried my best, I really did,' it was Wolf's turn to have tears in his eyes. 'The pack, I mean I love them, I was willing to give them everything. They have so much potential, all those dogs, but I realized that they are not me. They're content chasing cars, stealing meat from the butcher, chasing tail. I'm not saying that's wrong, that's their choice. But life is an incredible mystery. I felt that in that small town and in that small pack I only got the tip of the garbage heap. I was planning on leaving anyways, and when you left with the pack, I saw my opportunity.'

'What the hell does this have to do with anything?' Charlie snapped back, 'You were supposed to do something and failed. You see these scratches on my face? Do you know how mutilated Lazy's body was when I found him?'

Wolf's face quickly changed from a face of sensitivity to that of anger, an anger born from exhaustion.

'I'm tired.'

'Huh?'

'I'm tired of taking all the blame. I'm tired of being responsible for things other grown dogs should have easily handled by themselves. Did you really come all this way to put the blame on me? Fine. You win. I'll take the blame, I'll wear the weight of Lazy's death on my back. But remember this, this is the last time. From now on you're responsible for your own life. You didn't come all the way here just to make yourself feel better. Even though you hated me the most out of the pack, know this, I always had the most respect for you.'

Stunned, always thinking that Wolf detested him, Charlie sat listening.

'You know why? Because at least you had an opinion, at least you were willing to confront me. And although your intentions might not have been a 100% right, at least you took action. You came here because you knew you were different. You have a different path from the pack, as do I. I won't be able to carry you on the path because I'm trying to discover what that is for myself. I'm going to leave now and I don't want you to follow me. If you do, I will kill you. But if we do meet again, let it be further down the road when we are better dogs and can be better friends.'

Charlie watched like a statue frozen by Wolf's words as Wolf sat up from under the tree and disappeared into the city streets. After some time, Charlie took Wolf's place under the tree and sat quietly.

He could hear the wind, the hum of humans and machines, and other dogs barking in the distance. The slight breeze brought with it a small hurricane of leaves and smells. The smells and sounds of the city enveloped Charlie as he watched the skyscrapers crash around him into shards of glass.

The End.

________

Royal looked over at Panda. Panda's eyes looked closed.

"Panda!" Royal barked loudly.

Panda opened his eyes and started laughing. "Haha, I totally got you. I was awake, good story dog. I especially like the part where Charlie fights the possums."

Royal grumbled under his breath.

Panda Bear looked briefly at Royal and then out onto the road, "The story reminds me of someone."

They continued to head north.

The Glass Tunnel

Many of us sit in our own ways, ways instilled in us by society, family, and other forces.

We walk down a glass tunnel with our eyes focused forward and though we see the world pass by from the corners of our eyes we choose to just look straight ahead and feel as if we’re moving forward.

Little do we know that if we were to stop and look around, we would realize how big our world truly is and by breaking the glass we can find ourselves free.

This is not to say that the path down the glass tunnel is wrong or false, but that it is only a part of the whole and that it may not necessarily be the path that we want to take.

We must realize that we are but a short breath exhaled by the universe and no matter what we do the universe will move on. Thus, in this incredibly short amount of time that we have, we can only be more aware of ourselves and the world around us and from that, begin to realize our true potential.

Our true potential lies within our ability to follow a path that is not artificially constructed, but a path that organically comes from our being. 

We never became divorced from the Way or God or the Higher Reality. The tunnel is made of glass, so the view has always been there, we just need to look and truly see.

Royal Mutt and Panda Bear: Interlude - Bruce Lee

drawing by APO

Panda Bear was driving and Royal Mutt sat looking out over the empty expanse of grassy land that stretches between LA and the Bay Area. Coming out of LA, the traffic was getting much better, and they could now cruise at 65 mph. 

"Question."

Royal was now sitting in the passenger seat and took it upon himself to keep Panda Bear, who was prone to getting sleepy, awake.

Panda: "Hit me."

Royal: "Top 5 favorite actors of all time."

Panda scratched his chin.

Panda, "Tony Leung's got to be in there...De Niro is the man too...oh for sure Bruce Lee is in my top 5."

Royal: "Bruce Lee?"

Panda: "For sure. People only think of him as a phenomenal martial artist, which he is, but if you  also watch his acting, he's so focused and intense. And it makes perfect sense, cuz that's also exactly how he fights too."

Royal: "I see."

Panda: "And his philosophy on life is so great."

Royal (paraphrasing Bruce Lee): "You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. Be water my friend"

Panda: "Exactly, and like water, he could adapt and be successful in other areas in his life be it martial arts, movie making, or acting."

Royal: "Good point."

Panda: "Bruce Lee is awesome. If I was gay, I would be gay for Bruce."

Royal: "..."

They sat in silence.

Previously on Royal Mutt and Panda Bear:

Chapter 1: Time

Chapter 2: God

Chapter 3: Death

Chapter 4: Importance

Oakland Cell

He's walking on a late, dark night on a bridge at the south end of Lake Merritt making his way to Blockbuster to return some movies. He's on his new sleek silver Samsung Katalyst slide cell phone, talking to his girlfriend. He's helping her on her grad school interviews by pretending to be an interviewer.

"So why do you want to come to this school?"

As his girlfriend gives her reasons, he sees an elegant white stork in a shallow area of the lake that's closest to him. He carefully orchestrates using one hand to pull out his camera, a fairly new lite silver Canon IXY Digital 910IS, to take some pictures while his other hand is busy holding the phone. His personal distaste for multi-tasking is superseded by the urge to capture an image of the serene stork silently meditating on one leg.

"Ok, I see. What kind of experience do you believe makes you qualified to attend our University?"

As he turns away from the stork to go on his way, he notices a dark green compact car parked on the road directly to his right. A teenage African-American girl sitting in the passenger seat looks at him and says something to him in a semi-hushed voice.

"...one, " she says.

"Hold on," he says to his girlfriend and then to the girl in the car, "What did you say?"

"......ph......" she says, still in a hushed half hearted tone of voice.

A bit annoyed he says, "I can't hear you!"

"Can we use your phone, it's an emergency!" the young girl belts out.

He stares perplexed at the girl, because she's holding a cell phone or a cell phone-like object in her lap. Plus, "I'm not going to give my phone to someone in a car," he thinks to himself.

A 5'11'', early 20-something African-American girl, gets out from the driver's seat and walks around the car over to him.

"Can we use your phone, it's an emergency," the girl says to him. She's wearing a gray short sleeve sweatshirt and gray sweat pants.

He eye's the car. There's another African-American girl sitting in the left backseat and in the right backseat, the side facing him, there's an African-American teenage boy staring at him. When they make eye contact he says aggressively, "Yeah foo, it's an emergency."

He hesitates. The black girl then looks at him straight in the eyes and says, "It's an emergency, can we use your phone?" In her voice he senses sincerity and disregards the boy in the backseat.

"Sure," he then says to his girlfriend on the other line, "Let me call you back."

He puts away his camera, which the tall girl sees, and then hands her his phone and she looks at it. There are some orange water filled roadside dividers between them that rise to his waist.

"Is it 510?"

"Nah, it's 408 so you have to dial 1 and the area code, wait, you just have to dial in the area code then the number."

She punches in some numbers then yells to the girl in the car, "What's the number again?"

The girl in the passenger seat, as if still talking into a pillow, says something back to the tall girl.

"What I can't hear you."

He looks at the tall black girl and then at the car and the thought that presented itself in hesitation before, becomes a tangible reality in his mind: "They might steal my phone." He takes note of the orange dividers and is confident that if the tall girl makes a break for it, he'll be able to hop it and catch up to her before she makes it back to her seat.

"What'd you say girl?"

She starts making her way slowly back to the car and sits in the driver's seat. Not wanting to provoke an incident he stands there deceiving himself, "Maybe she's just trying to get the number."

This thought seems to gain more truth in the anxious seconds that the car sits idly.

Then the engine starts.

The young punk in the back yells at him, "Gotcha phone nigga!" and slams the door. Everyone in the car laughs. He stands frozen as the car speeds away, focusing all his attention on reciting the license plate before it's out of sight.

"4TDH308, 4TDH308, 4TDH308, 4TDH308..."

As the car speeds out of sight, he continues to look at the direction the car has driven and half-joking to himself, thinks that they might turn back to give back his phone.

"4TDH308, 4TDH308, 4TDH308..."

He knows he's fucked and the only solace he can find is in reciting his new mantra and to find a nearby phone.

-----

It's a bright afternoon and I've just finished tutoring an after school program in Oakland. As I walk down the steps a student asks me, "Can I use your phone?" She's an African-American 6th or 7th grader and tall for her age. The two week old tinge of pain, lying in my emotional background, surges forward fresh and anew.

I answer coldly, "What do you need to use the phone for?"

"I need to call my mom to pick me up."

I look at my old NOKIA, a sad silver solid slab of plastic with a scraped face and a hidden new SIM card, sitting in my hand.

"If you want to steal this piece of shit, it'll probably slow you down and I don't see anywhere you can run where I won't be able to catch you," I think to myself.

I hand her the phone and she looks at it.

"Do I have to enter 510?"

"Yeah."

She types in some numbers and listens to the ring tone. No one picks up.

She hands the phone back to me.

"No one picked up?" I say, feeling the words shoot out with a suppressed anger. I can't believe I just let her borrow my phone.

"Yeah."

"Did you want to call her back?"

"Nah."

"Leave a voicemail?"

"Nah."

"You sure?"

"Yes!"

I put the phone back into my jacket pocket only to double check to see if it's still there 10 seconds later.

A pair of black highschoolers, dressed in jeans and hoodies, make their way towards me on the sidewalk. I feel this mental and physical guard go up and even after they walk away, I'm still tense.

"I hate this feeling," I say to myself.